Fighting the Frizzies, at 11:00.
We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose
And we all know Frosty who's made out of snow
But all of those stories seem kind of gay
'Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo Small and brown
He comes from you
Sit on the toilet, here he comes
Squeezing 'tween your festive buns
A present from down below Spreading joy with a "Howdy ho"
He's seen the love inside of you 'Cause he's a piece of poo
Sometimes he's nutty Sometimes he's corny
He can be brown or greenish brown
But if you eat fibre on Christmas Eve He might come to your town
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo He loves me
I love you Therefore, vicariously, he loves you
I can make a Mr. Hankey, too
Howdy ho
I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo
Season's greetings to all of you Let's sing songs and dance and play
Now before I melt away Here's a game I like to play
Stick me in your mouth and try to say "Howdy ho ho yum yum yum"
Christmas time has come
Sometimes he's runny Sometimes he's firm
Sometimes he's practically water
Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass and won't fall in the toilet
'Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter and he won't drop off
And so you shake your ass around and try to get it to drop in the toilet
And finally it does
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo
When Christmas leaves he must leave, too
Flush him down but he's never gone
His smell and his spirit lingers on
Howdy ho!
Howdy ho, folks! We're gonna do something a little bit different tonight.
Instead of our normal thing,
we're just gonna sit back and enjoy some holiday songs!
And if you don't like it,
well, I guess you can suck my tiny little balls.
So, let's start off with a festive Hanukkah song,
sung by my favourite Jewish person in the whole world!
Okay, Ike, you're my little brother,
so I have to show you how to celebrate Hanukkah. This is called a dreidel.
You spin it and see where it lands. And you sing this song.
I have a little dreidel I made it out of clay
And when it's dry and ready With dreidel I shall play
Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play
Hey, what the hell are you doing?
Oh, hey, Cartman. We're playing dreidel. You wanna try?
Sure!
Here's a little dreidel That's small and made of clay
But I'm not gonna play with it 'Cause dreidel's fricking gay
Hey! Shut your mouth, fat-ass!
Jews play stupid games Jews, that's why they're lame
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play
That's why they're lame
What's going on? Oh, it's that Hanukkah thing.
It's so amazing!
You spin this thing on the ground, and it goes round and round!
I could watch it all day!
Let me try.
I'll try to make it spin It fell, I'll try again
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play
- I'll try to make it spin - Jews play stupid games
- It fell, I'll try again - Jews, that's why they're lame
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play
That's why they're lame
- Hello, boys! - Hi, Mom!
Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing dreidel.
Now, you know that dreidel is
a time-honoured tradition for the Hebrew people.
Yes, we know, Mrs. Broflovski. It's so very interesting.
Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin
You'll know our people always win Keep spinning
- Learn to make the dreidel spin - Jews play stupid games
You'll know our people always win
That's why they're lame
- Oh, hi, Dad. - Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?
Sure.
I have a little dreidel I made it out of clay
And when it's dry and ready With dreidel I shall
Everybody! Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play
Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play
Courtney Cox, I love you
You're so hot on that show
Dad?
Courtney Cox...
Dad, we're singing about a dreidel.
Oh, sorry.
We'll talk about this later, Gerald.
Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I shall play
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
With dreidel I shall play
Golly, that sure was fun!
But now for our next song, hold on to your boot straps,
'cause we're gonna descend down into Hell.
Hey, Hitler, what's the matter, little guy?
Oh, Satan.
Aw, you don't have a Christmas tree?
Well, I tell you what.
Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas right here.
Come on, everyone, gather around!
String up the lights and light up the tree
We're gonna make some revelry Spirits are high, so I can tell
It's Christmas time in Hell
Demons are nicer as you pass them by
There's a lot of demon toys to buy The snow is falling and all is well
It's Christmas time in Hell!
There goes Jeffrey Dahmer With a festive Christmas ham
After he has sex with it He'll eat up all he can
And there goes John F. Kennedy Caroling with his son
Reunited for the holidays God bless us, every one
Everybody has a happy glow
Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow
Even Mao Zedong is under the spell
It's Christmas time in Hell!
Adolf, here's a present for you.
God cast me down from Heaven's door to rule in Hell for ever more
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell 'Cause it's Christmas time in Hell!
Here's a rack to hang the stockings on
We still have to shop for Genghis Khan Michael Landon's hair looks swell
It's Christmas time in Hell!
There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe
Over poor Gene Siskel's head Just watch his wienie grow
For one day we all stop burning And the flames are not so thick
All the screaming and the torture stops As we wait for ol' Saint Nick
So string up the lights and light up the tree
We're damned for all eternity
But for just one day, all is well It's Christmas time in Hell!
Gather close together and make it quick We gotta make room for Andy Dick
Wake his mother and ring the bells
It's Christmas time
Christmas time
It's Christmas time in Hell!
Merry Christmas, movie house!
Fighting the Frizzies, at 11:00.
Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells All seem to say, ding dong, m'kay
Christmas is here, bringing good cheer To young and old, meek and the bold
Ding dong, ding dong, that is their song Big joyful ring, all caroling
One seems to hear words of good cheer From everywhere, filling the air
Oh, how they pound, raising the sound O'er hill and dale
Telling their tale, gaily they ring While people sing songs of good cheer
Christmas is here
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
On, on they send On without end
Their joyful tone to every home Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells
All seem to say, ding dong, m'kay
On, on they send On without end
Their joyful tone to every home
Ding dong, ding dong, m'kay M'kay
Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't it?
But let's not forget that for some people,
Christmas is about the birth of Jesus.
So now, here's a more serious Christmas song, sung by Eric Cartman.
And O holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth
O holy night
The something, something, something
It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie
Jesus was born And so I get presents
Thank you, Jesus, for being born
Fall on your knees
And hear the angel's something
Voices!
O night divine
O night when I get presents
O night divine
O night
O night divine
Oh, boy, that was a super song!
And now let's hear from the schoolteacher, Mr. Garrison.
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
Today we're gonna learn how different cultures around the world
celebrate the holiday season.
Now pay attention.
I heard there is no Christmas In the silly Middle East
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus They have different religious beliefs
They believe in Mohammed And not in our holiday
And so every December I go to the Middle East and say
Hey, there, Mister Muslim Merry... Christmas
Put down that book, the Koran And hear some holiday wishes
In case you haven't noticed It's Jesus' birthday
So get off your heathen Muslim ass and... celebrate!
There is no holiday season in India, I've heard
They don't hang up their stockings
And that is just absurd
They've never read a Christmas story They don't know what Rudolph is about
And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout
Hey, there, Mister Hinduist Merry... Christmas!
Drink eggnog and eat some beef And pass it to the missus
In case you haven't noticed It's Jesus' birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass and... celebrate!
Now, I heard that in Japan Everyone just lives in sin
They pray to several gods And put needles in their skin
On December 25th All they do is eat a cake
And that is why I go to Japan And walk around and say
Hey there, Mister Shintoist Merry... Christmas!
God is gonna kick your ass You infidelic pagan scum
In case you haven't noticed There's festive things to do
So let's all rejoice for Jesus Merry... Christmas to you
On Christmas day I travel round the world and say
Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists And all you atheists, too
Merry... Christmas to you
Thank you, Mr. Hat.
Frizzies, at 11:00.
Howdy ho!
I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas day, on Christmas day
I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas day in the morning
And what was in those ships all three On Christmas day, on Christmas day
And what...
Shut up, turds!
... was in those ships all three On Christmas day in the morning
The Virgin Mary and Christ were there On Christmas day, on Christmas day
The Virgin Mary and...
Shut up, turds!
... Christ were there On Christmas day in the morning
Let us all rejoice, amen On Christmas day, on Christmas day
And let...
I told you to shut up!
... us all rejoice, amen On Christmas day in the morning
Shelly is starting to get pissed On Christmas day, on Christmas day
Shelly got up and killed the turds On Christmas day in the morning
Golly, that sure was swell.
I'd say my Christmas special is going super-fantastic.
But now it's time to hear from perhaps
the two most important people of the whole season.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemicks.
Now please put your hands together
and welcome Saint Nicholas and Jesus Christ.
- Hello, everybody! - How you all doing tonight?
You know, Jesus, there have been so many wonderful songs
written about us over the years.
That's right, Santa, and we love each and every one of them.
Like this one.
Joy to the world For I have come
Let earth receive me
Let every heart prepare me room
- And heaven and nature sing - And heaven and nature sing
You know, Jesus, that is a nice song, but I like this one.
Up on the housetop reindeer pause Out jumps good ol' me
Down through the chimney with lots of toys
All for the little ones, Christmas joys
Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go? Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?
Up on the housetop, click click click
Down through the chimney with good ol' me
- You get away! - Go away?
- Get away! - Where away?
Away in the manger, no crib for my bed
That's where cute little ol' me laid down my sweet head
The stars in the sky looked down where I lay
Cute little eight-pound me asleep in the hay
O come all ye faithful Joyful and triumphant
O come ye to Bethlehem to see me
Here's one.
Hark the herald angels sing Glory to me
It's my turn.
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and me
Holy me, tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
Okay, Jesus, here's one you might remember.
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river twisting through the dusty land
Santa, Santa, Santa...
That's not a Christmas song, bud. That's like...
I know, but there's, like, 300 Jesus Christmas songs
and only four... Santa ones!
It's not fair! Just do it yourself! I'm leaving!
Oh, come on, Santa. You can't leave.
- No... you, Jesus! - But, Santa...
The weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
Well, since I've no place to go
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
It doesn't show signs of stopping
But I brought some corn for poopity popping
The lights are turned way down low, so
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
The fire is slowly dying
And, my dear, we're still good-bye-be-de bye-ing
But as long as you love me so
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Fighting Frizzies, at 11:00.
Howdy ho!
Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album.
Gosh, it was sure nice hanging out with y'all again.
I guess if there's just one thing I have left to say, it would be this.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
From now on our troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself
A merry little Christmas now
Time to go, Mr. Hankey.
Good-bye, everybody, and merry Christmas.
Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.
And now, fighting the Frizzies.
Kick my ass, come on!